What have you been upto? Hope everything is going well?
So I was approached by a founder of a group in a university to give a talk on Marriage. I was pleasantly surprised because it means I do have something tangible to share! This led to this...
A discussion about the oldest institution in the history of mankind -Marriage.
So, what exactly is the definition/meaning of Marriage?
Keeping it simple from the various definitions out there: The Spruce defines "marriage as a formal union and social and legal contract between two individuals that unites their lives legally, economically and
emotionally....Being married also gives legitimacy to sexual relations within the marriage".
Personally, Marriage is a union between persons willing to give all it takes (individual/collective) regardless of what happens therein as long as it's not life threatening.
This sounds serious and not something you decide in a hurry. Growing up, I believe you all can relate to what I'm about to say, I read alot of romantic novels and equally watched many classic/romantic movies. Based on this I had a perfect picture of what relationships and in some cases what marriage was all about. It was easy, fun and desirable, no stress, tears or pain just living happily in the present and ever after.
I craved and had a picture image of how my future man will be. I built this image in my head and added all the qualities I desired. What a wonderful being I created and fantasized.
I know you all can relate to this. Let me tell you all there's nothing wrong with these fantasies only that they exist in the fairy tales, novels, movies and what not.
That is one of my fond memories of growing up. Fantasies are far from facts and realities of life which also include marriage. Fantasies exist in our imaginations and facts live with us. So what are the common areas of fantasies as against the facts in marriage.
Fantasy: I'm beautiful, desirable and young therefore I can get any man. Handsome, caring and famous.
Fact: You are very beautiful desirable and young no doubt that is true. However, getting a man with all this qualities isn't always realistic. Don't get me I'm not saying it's impossible but I'm telling you that you don't get all the listed qualities you wish in him. If you're gonna base your choice on these qualities then you are in for a long wait. Perhaps it may happen for you but what are the odds?
Fantasy: I have to graduate, get a job before I ever get married.
Fact: It's a good idea but if you have a good man at hand, nothing stops you from settling down if he's ready. A lot of girls have missed good men because of this waiting to achieve criterion.
I'm a strong believer of having it all, being married, continuing education as long as you're willing! Let it be its your wish and he's ready to grant you that. I did, I had my first 3 kids during my first degree at the university. It never stopped me from getting good grades or graduating.I also completed my Master's degree while still having children.
Fantasy: Physical attributes are more important( his looks, charms, dressing, voice, height, weight etc) than inate qualities ( respect, wisdom, understanding, kindness, patience, spirituality,vision etc).
Fact: Don't get me wrong. Don't get carried away with praises and complements. They are important and you see these things first and respond to them quicker than the inner qualities that you notice much later.
You can't live with only the physical qualities because over time they will fade and then you're left with inner qualities that live with you all through. Therefore, consider the inner qualities more than the physical qualities.
Fantasy: I will always get my way because he loves me.
Fact: You will never always get your way. You can never win the arguments all the time even if you're right and he's wrong. Compromise is the bridge and wisdom.
Fantasy: He promised not to hit me again but .....he will change
Fact: There're men who genuinely change and understand only weak people hit and beat women or their wives. But if he beats you over and over again during courtship, then he's not going to stop till you're maimed or dead.
A man that beats you over and over again has a form of mental/psychological problem so you can't change him simply because you're married. Afterall you are not a Psychologist/ Psychiatrist. Don't be a victim of domestic violence/abuse.
Fantasy: I can change him.
Fact: Be a good person and live the rest to God. You can't really change a man, but your attitude and character can influence him greatly. He will change if you give him reasons to not necessarily because you did... I hope that make sense!
Fantasy: I can trap him with pregnancy
Fact: This is why most girls get disappointed or become baby mamas and single mothers.
You can't trap a man with pregnancy to marry you this days. If you even succeed, you're bound for alot of pains and heartaches. That's not a good foundation for marriage.
Fantasy: I want my man fully made and ready to go.
Fact: The reality is that wealth is transient.Better you have a man with vision of greatness than a rich one without vision as he will end up as a mere poor opportunist over time. A poor person with great vision will overtime become rich. However you may just well be lucky if you get a rich one and also with great vision as there is no limit to what a person can achieve.
There are many more... I can go on and on.. There's nothing like being realistic in your taste and search for Mr. Right.
Don't undermine the core values ( like your core courses in university) and qualities you desire. If these qualities are met to a high score, then compatibility will be attainable for a happy marriage.
So don't forget to seperate the fantasies from the facts when in a relationship.
It was a good interactive session. Questions were entertained and comments too.
Let me know your thoughts or questions below. Thank you and God bless!