Thursday, 9 February 2012

7 Popular Issues and Solutions in Marriage

This is the time you start noticing those things you did not during courtship. You are now living together in the same house, probably sharing the same bedroom. You see yourselves more often than before – during courtship.
Then, the issues start creeping out from the closets one after the other!

Now let’s start talking.

#1
Why do I need to keep the bedroom tidy ALL THE TIME? How about HIM? You try to arrange the bedroom like when you where single (clean).
 then, like a flash, he is back, the shoes are in the sitting room, the briefcase is on the bed, the clothes are scattered everywhere in the room! 
Just like yesterday, last week or even last month! You remind him that you just finished arranging the room… He says sorry and still leave the clothes  and the shoes there!

Solution and Managing Strategy
Most men generally are not good with housekeeping. This is a fact you must bitterly accept if you do not want to run high blood pressure. ACCEPT this, and learn to manage by taking it as part of the marriage life and lesson.
You can tell him about it, trust me, it would just be a matter of time, it would repeat again. This goes with the toilet seats, car keys, handsets, wallets, documents…

#2
Why should I prepare his meals when we have a cook, house help? What is the big deal in cooking or serving his meals? After all, you are equally spent and tired like him after the office hours. You get home late and leave home early too like him!

Solution and Managing Strategy
He may understand at the beginning of the marriage. however, if it becomes the norm in the home ( depending  the type of husband), he may complain, stop eating at home, start keeping longer hours outside or just remain silent!

You should read the signs! It means either he is missing that part of you or he is not!
If you hear the complains, then that is good for you, it means you need to change your position before it gets out of hands but if you do not, then…

He relates to the house help more about his upkeep than yourself. Then why are you there in the first place! If he continues to get all he needs from the house help, then he doesn’t miss your absence from home!

This development may not mean anything to you but trust me, if you do not wage in, it can escalate into something you may not like.

No matter how busy, as a wife, create time to cook and serve your husband personally! 

Prepare his favourite meals and freeze if you do not have time to cook often. Serve his meals as regular as possible. If you do have a cook, try to supervise and see that things are done properly.
I
t may or may not be perfect, let him see your effort and interest. He does notice and yes, it does matters!

#3
Why should I be a housewife? I am a graduate so, why should I stay at home and not work?
In your university days, you must have ‘built’ your dream home, job, husband… we all did and still do.

You have achieved all except working!   Why?

Simple, he doesn’t want you to work! He prefers you to be at home to take care of the kids and of course him!

Solution and Managing Strategy
The first way to manage this is to settle down in your home and enjoy it…enjoy it?  You may ask?

Yes , I said enjoy it. If you do have kids, take care of them properly. Attend to your husband needs. If you do satisfy all these then, you can bring up the issue of working again.

Tell him why you need to work, let him understand it isn’t the money rather, the fulfillment. How it would make you feel accomplished and happy! Let him understand that you would be happier and this would rub off positively on him and the kids..the entire family!

Let him know when you feel better about yourself, you can equally perform better in your duties as wife and mother.

Plead with him and do make sure you have a plan on what to embark on. Be patient and pray about it.

#4
You have added some weight and have unsuccessfully tried to lose it. Why should he be complaining? After all, both of you are in the same boat. He is even heavier than you, so why is he talking?

Solution and Management Strategy
Over time, with children, you tend to add weight. You have bulges here and there, you may have been a size 6 or 8 before having kids but now, you are a size 16.

This may not be peculiar to only you but also your husband has changed and gained weight!  

So why is he complaining you may wonder!

You may justify your weight gain… yes, having children.  Does it mean you do not care about what he says or thinks?

The TRUTH is YOU are not happy with your look! You do wish to look the way you did before having kids! You know what he is saying is true but do not want to accept it! You are trying to justify….nothing!

Do not give reasons or excuses. Its either you want to lose weight for yourself and feel better about how you feel or not! You may also have noticed the health issues creeping in due to the weight gain.

If you make genuine effort and do it for yourself, I bet your husband would be motivated and come around to join you!

Love yourself to leave a healthy life. Its possible. Do not wallow in self pity and senseless arguments (jealous) with your husband when he looks at a slimmer woman  rather, get to work and regain your confidence!

#5
Why should I have my in-laws around? Do I have to be nice to them? Why should I care?

Solution and Managing Strategy
Remember the day you took your vows, you promised to adhere?  Marriage does not revolve around you and your husband (in the african context). You are married entirely to the whole family!

“Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and to God what belongs to God” You must have heard about this Biblical quotation as it is applicable to this situation. Give to them what is due with all honest and leave the rest to God.

Truly make genuine effort to accept your husband’s family and I believe it would be reciprocal ( even if it’s not reciprocal, just do your part). I do agree there maybe occasions when this suggestion backfires but if you do not try, how would you know?

Give room for your mother-in-law as appropriate. It is difficult for some mothers to let go off their sons. They feel like they have lost their sons forever. You may not understand this feelings until you have children. Be patient with them.

Liase with a couple who have been successfully married for many years and let them give words of advice as time goes on.

Pray for difficult in-laws and relatives and learn to take your stand when necessary. You need a lot of wisdom and understanding here.

#6
We are rich and comfortable. We can afford the latest car, so why not? Why can’t we travel abroad for vacation? We can afford it now! You do not understand why he should invest now. 

You have been looking forward to a trip abroad, you have discussed it and agreed it would be your next investment, then now…

The opportunity pops up, he says he would rather invest the money than travel abroad! You do want a new car, he would rather invest on land or property!

It sounds ridiculous! And you do not understand or rather would not understand!

Solution and Managing Strategy
Relax!  Chill!  Cool down!
Do you want to cry your eyes out? Do you want to shout down the roofs? Do you want to keep malice till God-know-when? Or do you want to fight?
R.E.L.A.X.!!!     Ok?
There is a way out. Calm down. Take some time off from this discussion. Focus on other things. Do not bring up this until you are totally calm.

Seat down and reflect….seriously on his stand. Is he right?  What are the reasons?   Are they really for the benefits of the family?   Which is more important now, luxury or investment?

Be honest with yourself about the answers you come up with. However, if you do not still have answers, then ask him calmly and listen patiently to his answers.
Whatever, the outcome, put it in prayers.

#7
Why should I not keep so many friends like I want and hang out with them when and how I like? Why should I always ask or discuss before I do things?

You have always taken decisions until you got married (excellent decisions anyway). You got out and visit as you like. You hang out with friends anytime.

Now you are asked to consult, discuss your decisions. You do not want to take ‘permission’ after all you are an adult, right?

Solution and Managing Strategy
You are married now and no longer single! There’s a huge difference. You have a partner and you must be considerate in your actions now.

Let him know what you want to do, carry him along and inform of your thoughts before they become decisions. He would also carry you along. Learn to listen to what he has to say.

Mind your social activities, as things have changed. Know there are many sheep in wolves skin or clothing. It’s not all your friends that are happy for you or your married status. Be wise and pick your friends from now.

Really listen to him and try to balance things.

Thanks for reading (quite long, I know).

Give out beautiful jewelries to your loved ones today. Kindly check out my website.

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It’s when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences” –Dave Meurer

“Let all  bitterness, wrath,and anger and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And ye be kind to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you”-Eph. 4:31-32

Linda Aliogo

2 comments:

  1. why should somebody make my meal or clean up after me, i thought marriage should be an equal partnership. Say you make the meal to last for two weeks in the refrigerator, i see no reason why i can't microwave and serve my self. if i can't clean, the list i should do is endevour not to mess up the house. and above all, i should be able to keep my friends and hang out as much as i can only in this case with my wife.i think women should not be very subservient in a relationship, they can still do many things without reducing or diminishing their self concept. Because i think your self concept is your identity, loose and you loose yourself.

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  2. Some marriages are very traditional while others are liberal, you cannot choose one over the other as long as the couples can sort out their differences. Those who are in a liberal marriage that is working for them should continue while those that are in a traditional marriage and happy should by no means continue.
    However, I do agree with you that wives should follow their dreams and find fulfillment in whatever they choose to do.
    Thanks once again!

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